Are strawberry lovers really duds in the sack?

Yet again dodgy internet providers put paid to my quest for knowledge tonight, forcing me to turn elsewhere to learn something new.

Fortunately I was well prepared for such an eventuality given I own more than 1000 books. And while a good 70% of those fall under the tiresome definition of chick lit I just knew there would be a gem to help me out. And there was.

It was a very old title called Fortune Telling With Food by Noriko Kuriyama, which promised, among other things, to unlock the secrets of your psyche depending on your breakfast/snack/lunch/dinner of choice.

Here’s a few of her findings:

* No one is more passionate than lovers of raw cabbage (or more flatulent, but that’s another story)
* Eggplant lovers love themselves too much
* Green onion lovers are jealous mates
* Potato lovers get along especially well with their spouses
* Turnip lovers do well in the stock market
* Fig lovers often become wealthy
* Grapefruit lovers marry for looks only
* Herring fans make mountains out of molehills

And finally, comes my, ahem, favourite – strawberry lovers don’t have good sex techniques but they can keep going a long time.

Anyone recognise themself?

What animals are in the Chinese zodiac?

I buy magazines. Lots of them. And predictably they lie on my kitchen table for weeks on end until I finally get around to reading them. At which point I’m always not in the slightest bit surprised to discover headlines such as ‘Posh’s Divorce Shock’ are entirely false. 

Anyway, today I decided it was time for a gossip glut, so I dived right in, learning more about the Kardashians than I could ever want to know, from errant boyfriends (Kourtney) and divorce woes (Kim) to baby making (Khloe). 

However, the real bonus was discovering a Chinese 2012 horoscope. I mean I knew the new year had rolled over some weeks ago, but I figured there was still plenty of (hopefully) good luck coming my way.

First though, I had to learn about which animals tallied up with which year. And I have to say I was mildly disappointed with what I found. I mean, why would you reach for a dog or a cat when you could flag a peacock or a bald eagle? Or even a tarantula. But since the creatures are seemingly set in stone, I decided to get on with it. And here’s what the signs boil down to, bearing in mind they don’t match to the exact calendar year.

* Dog – 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
* Pig – 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
* Rat – 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
* Ox – 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
* Tiger – 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
* Cat – 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
* Dragon – 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
* Snake – 1977, 1989, 2001
* Horse – 1978, 1990, 2002
* Goat – 1979, 1991, 2003
* Monkey – 1980, 1992, 2004
* Rooster – 1981, 1993, 2005

For the record I am an ox, whose traits apparently include determination, strong will and finding comfort in the home, a couch or a good DVD. So far so good. But sadly I can look forward to career upheaval, new romantic prospects and more exercise in the next 12 months. Think I’ll stick with what Libra has to say …